


Pain

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [26]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: I feel like nothing fits together, I wrote most of it in July when I saw JCS in munich, M/M, Mary Magdalene POV, and uhhhhh I wrote the rest just now, idk please read it i guess lol, it's angsty and stuff, this fic is an absolute fucking wreck, this is a patched up fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 07:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16529984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: Heya. I'm honestly a slut for nice titles but you know, sometimes you gotta be frank..





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Sup my bois... I haven't been motivated at all, but now I'm suffering again because of who I am as a person, so this might fuel some more Jesus angst. :)

There was something there, that Mary could not really put her finger on. Ever since she had joined the group, she had had to fight for her place among the apostles; not all of them were as welcoming towards her as Jesus, few willing to even tolerate her, but she belonged. After such a long time of uncertainty in her life, she finally belonged.

She tried to stay close to Jesus, sure that whenever he was near, the others were going to hold back their jabs at her, both the verbal and physical ones, and after days, weeks it got better, slowly her situation improved and one day Mary realised that she was not the only one who was fighting for their place in this group.

The closer to Jesus she got, the more hostile one person in particular became. It was not immediately obvious and to the untrained eye nearly invisible, but Judas clearly had a big problem with Mary being there.

The man was complicated. Mary was usually exceptionally good at reading people, but Judas managed to evade her. Judas was like slippery soap between wet fingers, or just the slightest bit blurry in her vision, enough that she noticed, but not enough to be able to just ignore it as a blind spot. Judas was constantly there, which was a big part of the problem.

Mary barely had any time alone with Jesus and the latter did not even seem to mind. The more time passed, the less she could understand how Jesus could tolerate Judas always being there, right by his side, much less enjoy his company. But it was a fact she learned to live with and around. When Mary realised that there was absolutely no way to get Judas to like her or at least not despise her, she began to avoid him.

Jesus was having a hard time, Mary could tell, so she took it upon herself to help him. It was not easy. Jesus was a complex person and Mary was new in this environment. Everything was unfamiliar.

But as Jesus began to trust her, Mary noticed how much more there was to Jesus than he let on. The supposed Messiah was a façade to protect his true being, that went so much deeper than healing people and speaking wise words.

One thing that was adding stress to Jesus’ situation was his intensely close relationship to everybody he knew. Every single man and woman in Jesus’ company was so deeply loved by him that sometimes Mary wondered how he had capacity for that much affection. Then again she supposed that this was where his power came from.

With this realisation came the jealousy.

Mary knew better than to be jealous but sometimes even she could not control her emotions as well as she would like to. She craved Jesus, wanted to have him all to herself, even though she was fully aware that the chances that this would happen were unfathomably bad. She felt guilty about having these feelings, but it did not help her; she could not get rid of them. And if this was not bad enough, she realised something else, something that left her shaken up for days.

Judas was feeling the same way.

Mary had suspected that Judas was jealous in some way, given how his hostility had only increased the closer she and Jesus got, but the true extent of his emotions was concealed to her until she looked into his eyes.

Leaning against Jesus’ side, she let her eyes wander among her friends; most of the apostles accepted her now. Her gaze stopped when she noticed Judas who was sitting there, rigidly, head perched up on his hand. He looked in her direction. But Mary knew it was not her, who Judas was looking at. It was Jesus.

Judas’ face was as unreadable as always. Mary was sure he expressed his emotions, she just never saw him doing so in public. His eyes however betrayed him.

Had Mary not been feeling the exact same pain, she would never have been able to recognise it in Judas’ eyes. In some crazy way, his feelings reflected Mary’s own emotions back at herself. Judas wanted Jesus.

She clenched her teeth, forced herself to unclench the muscles and took a deep breath, willing the paralysing poison of jealousy out of her own mind. She could not be sure to what extent Judas felt for Jesus as she did, nor did she know if he was really aware of his own feelings.

But the way Judas looked at Jesus, who was avidly talking to Peter, unaware of the stare that was directed at him, it told Mary that Judas was suffering. He was all too aware of what was happening; after all he was not stupid. Judas was jealous and Mary saw the exact desperation in his expression now, that she sometimes felt, deep in the night, when dark thoughts began to tower over her. She was taken aback by how much she recognised in his features.

Mary was so concentrated, lost in thought, that she only realised that Judas had moved, when their eyes met and his expression shifted from desperate and vulnerable to his neutral mask, almost cold.

She kept to herself for the rest of the evening, in need for time to think. Mary was sure, that Judas knew that she had seen him, so she thought it best to stay back for a while, waiting what he would do.

As it turned out, as soon as Mary left Jesus’ side with a whispered excuse, Judas moved towards him, as if pulled by an invisible string. The vulnerability was back in his eyes as he sat down next to Jesus without interrupting his conversation. Mary left the scene for a moment to go outside. The fresh air was refreshing, almost cleansing. She took deep breaths, closed her eyes, counted to twenty.

Then she went back inside and sat down at the end of the table, far from Jesus, next to Simon who was talking to John about something concerning their right to protest.

She did not really listen, because her mind froze the moment she laid her eyes on Jesus. He had stopped talking to Peter and was instead leaning over to Judas, one hand on his lower back, underneath Judas’ jacket. Mary imagined the warmth of his large hands spreading through her whole body, the touch infinitely soothing and exciting at the same time. Jealousy flared up in her mind once again.

They were talking, but Jesus’ voice was not audible from where Mary was sitting. Then she heard Judas laugh. He let his head fall against Jesus’ shoulder and immediately his hand came up from Judas’ back settling against the back of his head instead, fingers threading into Judas’ dark curls.

Mary swallowed. What she was seeing clearly went beyond what she had with Jesus. This behaviour had probably been years in the making and as much as it hurt, Mary saw that she could never compete against that.

She turned away.

Mary was hurting. It was breaking her heart to know Judas closer to Jesus than herself, but if he made Jesus happy, if he wanted him there, Mary could not even be mad.

* * *

 

Jesus’ behaviour changed drastically the more people he attracted. He became fidgety, he was stressed and tense and nothing helped, as far as Mary knew. She went as far as to buy expensive ointments to try and soothe him at least physically. She had limited resources, spent her last money and then some from the collective finances.

The fight about her went by without eliciting emotions from her. Jesus was on her side for once, but it was not the same. She saw the looks he shot Judas. Resenting, yes but also full of regret, full of loss and longing for something more. Mary recognised it because she felt the same. She buried her feelings deep down, hoping to save her sanity, hoping to save herself, if nothing else.

It was a mistake. It was all a terrible mistake, only saving herself, because in the end she realised that in saving herself she had become so blind that she let Jesus die.

She had helped bring about this suffering that did not only affect her, that went much further, much deeper. Mary felt guilty, terribly selfish in her actions. But Jesus was not the only one she lost.

Judas’ lifeless body was almost worse to see, the colour drained from his face, dark bruises around his broken neck. Hanging from a tree, as lonely as she was feeling now, as dead as her soul felt in this moment and as cold as her heart.

She had nobody.

The field lay before her, empty, the twilight of a rising sun painting the world in a gold it did not deserve, while the city was still awake with bloodlust.

Her legs moved on their own, back to where she suspected to regain her feelings.

However, she felt only one thing: Pain.

Later, she saw Jesus, his presence as burning as the sun above. He was barely holding on to life, or maybe life was holding on to him.

Mary saw him sigh, saw him mouth words, saw him scream in agony, eyes wide with unspeskable horror and agony, staring at something _beyond_.

But Mary heard nothing. Silence was all around her.

Numbed by the pain of doomed love.

She understood Judas now; Mary felt his final, destructive motivation, as she broke down.

Truly alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this was half coherent... maybe leave me a kudo.. or a comment ? please?  
> Anyway thanks for reading <3


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